Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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