alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
