I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
How does it feel to date your dad?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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