based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
