mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
