my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
