I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
