I looked at my own cervix.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
