i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
