Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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