Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
