I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
