I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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