Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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