Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
