Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
