I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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