Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
