You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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