I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
