Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
