Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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