ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
