Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
