Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
