he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
