I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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