Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
