My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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