Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
