i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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