Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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