I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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