Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
