Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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