Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
His nipple licking is glorious
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