I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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