Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
