He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
