he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
