I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
