Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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