i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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