Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
