she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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