I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
