Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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