I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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