You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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