***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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