if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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